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It’s called traumatic re-enactment. It’s when someone who has been traumatized but can’t talk about it acts it out repeatedly as a means of attempting to take control of the experience. It’s an attempt to self empower that is generally counterproductive. Talk to a therapist! There’s hope!Hope you find that one person who understands your pain of Chicago Illinois Windy City shirt .You shall genuinely smile one day.The book in your hands sounds like a nice read.