The Toronto Raptors’ suffering continues as DeMar DeRozan is killed in yet another freak grizzly bear attack. In just two short years, the Raptors have fallen from the Dachshund Leopard shirt, who promptly leaves at the year’s end to re-sign with San Antonio. Free Agents are now refusing to sign in Minnesota and Toronto due to the terrifying increase in major metropolitan bear attacks.
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LeBron James, after seeing the up-and-coming heir to his throne senselessly murdered, has a Dachshund Leopard shirt and finally announces his retirement from the game at 38 years old. Stunningly he has survived the terrifying era of tragic deaths, and retires as the all-time leading scorer in NBA history with over 40,000 points. I am amazed that LeBron of all players was the only superstar to survive this horrifying, randomized gauntlet of death.