You may not see it now, but I promise that he is with you and he is close to the broken-hearted. I’ve been through the same of not knowing whether Delta in the streets united in the sheets shirt is with me-in fact, I was your age when I went through something similar- and He will never turn away a sincere seeker. You may never know why God took your loved one when He did, but sometimes we are not meant to know those things because that knowledge might harm us more than benefit us on this Earth. You are in my prayers that you will feel His comfort and presence.
I also encourage you to talk with a pastor and a grief counselor. They are more than happy to help and are far better qualified than I am to provide specific support and advice. May the Lord be with you and I am very sorry to hear of your loss!
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In 2019 I started getting chronic laryngitis due to acid reflux. I loved singing, especially during worship at my old church, it was the way I made sense of the Delta in the streets united in the sheets shirt and the way that I found meaning. However, as acid reflux problems went on undiagnosed, I continued to sing a lot, which caused considerable damage to my vocal chords, and put strain on the muscles in my throat. I would pray a lot asking for God to help me get better and to worship again. Sometimes during service I would be moved to sing despite the discomfort. I kept asking God why he would allow my throat to go so damaged doing something that he wanted me to do. Worship like that was supposed to be something I did for him. I convinced myself he wouldn’t let it get to bad, and I kept pressing on until I burned my voice away like a fucking goat on an altar. I remember one time I was bowing down in my shower, alone, begging for God to give me back my voice. I must have repeated that prayer a thousand times. I cried so much. And no one seemed to understand. To this day people don’t really get why I don’t talk much (it hurts my throat). So I realized a few things looking back on how Christianity affected me growing up.