She doesn’t need to understand why in order to respect your boundaries. Gave my daughter the same a Elephant Dont Go Outside There Are People Out There shirt when the guy who molested her in her sleep would not leave her alone because he, “didn’t understand” what he did wrong. (He’s the big brother of her best friend) She was 14 and didn’t tell me until she was an adult, he still wanted her time and attention every time she went to visit her friend.
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Until she can sincerely apologize to you, she does not need to see your Elephant Dont Go Outside There Are People Out There shirt She just doesn’t. If this means no Mother’s Day visit, no Halloween, no Christmas, well, that is her choice. And if it happens again, she doesn’t need to see your child again.
I used to call my strategy with my MIL “Time To Go”. When she did something ugly, it was time to go. So I would get up, say “It is time for us to go” and get our stuff together and we would go. It confused my husband at first. He would tell his mother to stop doing whatever, but she ignored him. She would get very upset with me. I flat out told her that I didn’t intend to fight with her ever. When she was rude or mean to any of us, we would leave. If she wanted us to stay longer, she could try being at least polite to us. Otherwise, we would be leaving the first time she was rude or mean. It was completely up to her to moderate her behavior. It was not appropriate for our kids to see an adult behaving that badly. And did she realize that our son kept asking why she behaved so badly? He wanted to know why her parents didn’t teach her any manners? She turned red at that bit of information.
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