I lost my mom when I was two. Your story resonated with Everyone is a Photographer until shirt me because I told everybody i was fine in my twenties, and at the same time failed miserably in my relationships, doing all the things you describe. I started grieving when I was 27… it took me ten years.. I am now 44 and at peace with my mom’s death and my trauma (not to say it doesn’t exist anymore, but it doesn’t ruin my life anymore the way it used to.
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I sometimes wish I started therapy earlier in my life but I could not, earlier. What helped me go there was first, books (I don’t know if it was translated into English but le voile noir / je vous écris by Anny Duperey is a wonderful book), then, a lot of Everyone is a Photographer until shirt different therapists, and also art (i am a musician), friends, and love, and rituals. You will find what helps you. I wish you the best.