I breathe in and it feels like if I just push a little bit down into my vagina it will ease the pain, so I do and I feel an immediate gush as my Flower My Squad Calls Me Nana T-shirt break. I look down with horror to see full of meconium, like I have just diarrohead myself. For an awful moment I wonder if that is what’s happened. The student midwife is also looking down at it all with horror. I say, that’s meconium. She says, oh yes it is and that seems to galvanize her into action, she calls Bola back which i am very grateful for. Bola is my leader, my queen. I need her. I have read horror stories about babies and meconium. I want to cry. I want my baby to be here and be ok.
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Bola is back. I need the epidural now. I need it more than anything. Anything later than now is unacceptable. Flower My Squad Calls Me Nana T-shirt is soothing, she will call the anthesitist right away. He comes and stands by my bed, he is a young guy, he has a beard behind his mask. He starts to very slowly explain to me the ins and outs of the epidural. It takes all my effort to be polite. I want to break his fucking head. I don’t care, I don’t care! I just want the fucking epidural!!
He goes silent each time I have a contraction, and even as I am breathing and groaning and sucking on gas like my life depends on it I am holding back from shrieking at him, just get on with it man! He tells me that 1 in 250,000 people who have epidural will be paralysed. He tells us you have more chance of winning the lottery. Even in my state I am.aware this blatantly cannot be true and my partner’s and my eyes meet in worry.
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