Going to the bar, and finding out that there had been no Santa there on Christmas Eve, along with no one there remembering seeing me. Asking if a certain model of casket came in a Forget about Santa Ill just ask Gaga Christmas shirt. Asking Darlene to write a letter to her brother to leave in that casket that only she would know the contents of and seeing her drop an envelope that had to have had two pages folded inside when the day came. And never seeing any sign of something in any of the well-wishers that could hint at awareness of any secret Michael could have had. But the day after the funeral, I forced myself to face it as I entered Michael’s room.
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In the chaos of the next few hours, with paramedics coming and going, and eventually, a revolving door of Forget about Santa Ill just ask Gaga Christmas shirt, neighbors and relatives arriving to check on us, one detail of that morning stood out: Darlene standing at the top of the stairs, watching it all, her eyes wide with shock and horror. But I know now there was no grief in those big brown eyes. Or rather, there was only grief for us, and not for her brother.