My mother killed herself when I was a teenager in high school. It’s a difficult part of yourself to face and Future Mrs Johnson shirt, no matter what you do. I see you and know how you feel; I know because I have lived the same life. You are creating reasons to re-live that abandonment, over and over, because apart of yourself thinks you deserve it and apart of yourself blames yourself.
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I recommend finding a therapist…it may take more than once, maybe even 10 times, to find the right one but there are good ones that Future Mrs Johnson shirt. Then you are going to learn to have to trust and risk heartache. It’s the only way to move forward. There is no light if you stay in the darkness. I wish you luck, love, and the light to find internal peace.