For context: I am a 15 year old girl, born and raised Christian. I have attended a Christian school my entire Girls will be girls loud strong fierce shirt and before I was old enough to go to school I spent most of my days in a sort of daycare in a church. I’ve been taking Christian Studies classes since I was 10, and before every year before that we did Bible class. I probably learn more about the history of Christianity than the history of the world. (Also, apologies for the bad formatting, I’m on mobile. And also, sorry for such a long rant. I hope this is the right subreddit for this. if not, I apologize)
When I was 11, I started questioning my faith. It was really scary, because this was a huge thing that remained a constant throughout my entire life. And growing up, I was always taught at school that if someone doesn’t believe in Jesus, they are going to hell. And our teachers taught us to try to convert every non-Christian we meet to Christianity. So during this time, I was confused, scared, and upset. How could I be questioning something that I KNEW to be true my whole life? How could I do that to God, who always loves me no matter what?
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Like usual, I prayed a lot. I wrote in my prayer journal every day and prayed before I went to sleep every night. In every single prayer I begged God to help restore my Girls will be girls loud strong fierce shirt in him. I would tell him I was sorry for doubting him and I asked him to open my heart and strengthen my faith. Unfortunately, nearly five years later, that hasn’t happened yet. Since then, my faith has only gotten weaker and weaker, and now it’s at the point where I don’t even consider myself Christian anymore, which still is really upsetting to admit.
No matter how hard I try, how many books about Christianity I read, I just can’t force myself to believe in any sort of religious or spiritual concept. I don’t believe in an afterlife anymore, but I’m still terrified of going to hell. Now, as I said before, I started doubting nearly 5 years ago, and that doubt never stopped growing. But what prompted me to make this post is something that happened to me today.