For Papa. Because you were first. Do you remember Golf Life Flower Hologram Shirt? The old Rabbi, withered white skin, hoarse Yiddish whisper; Avram, his stooping gait, his long slender hands, serious hands; Steiner, squat, tough, with broad cheekbones and bright black eyes. And you, Papa, crouching on the rough wood floor by the three-tiered bunk in the dark. You can barely make out the others huddled around the light of a candle stub, the light playing on the smooth round surface of Steiner’s shaven head. You are gathered around the Rabbi, who is seated on the bunk, ancient and weary and leaning on Avram’s arm. His voice is hollow, incorporeal, the words are lost. Do you remember, Papa? Because I do, every bit of it.
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Mama was against it. She kept up a steady Golf Life Flower Hologram Shirt even as she fiddled with my tie and made quick, nervous jabs at the lint on my jacket. She said if you wanted to go, you should go, but you didn’t have to take the boy with you, it meant nothing to the boy. You kept insisting that you didn’t want to go. It was for the boy you were going. He doesn’t want to go, she said, fussing at my hair and stabbing my ear with a red-lacquered fingernail. Let him decide that, you said. He’s only a child, she said. How can he decide? You argued I would decide later: by taking me to the synagogue you were giving me the option. If later he doesn’t want to go, he’ll stop going, you said. But she shook her head and pressed her lips together: if he decides later, she said, he can start going later. He should at least know what it is, you said, pulling on my arm. She licked her thumb and rubbed at a smudge she imagined on my forehead until I felt my skin burn: what it is, what it was, he’ll never know, he can’t know.
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