I blamed teachers, friends, pastors and neighbors for not intervening when they knew that things were wrong in my home. I didn’t want to see that I was perpetuating the Green Top Wanker shirt n my own family, I couldn’t let myself see that because the guilt would destroy me. Situations would happen that would trigger childhood memories and I would project all of those feelings on to what was happening with me and my wife. She would try to leave, but I couldn’t let her do that, I would block her path, grab her arm and hold her down. I would corner her and yell at her, provoking her flight or fight response but blocking her ability to flee so she would hit me to try and get away.
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Now, I am a large man, and she is a petite woman, I easily have a Green Top Wanker shirt on her, but I would say that because she hit first that she had instigated violence. You see I never hit her therefore I wasn’t the abusive one she was. I had become truly manipulative, say and do anything it takes to avoid having to see myself for what I had become. It may be hard to believe but underneath the rage I was exhibiting, the true feeling I had was fear.