The abandonment will always hurt, but you will free your spirit if you get some helpful tools, which are often gotten in therapy. The behaviour you described keeps you from trusting & finding closeness you deserve of Happy St Cat Patrick’s Day T-Shirt. No one can fix us, but life is more rewarding when we can develop relationships. There are no guarantees, but we can learn to accept others as humans with flaws like ourselves. Self love is a good beginning. Peace & blessings to you.
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When we’re young, we do what we need to do to continue on and survive. When we are small, we don’t know how to deal with the feelings. Now you are in a position to realize you have trauma and Happy St Cat Patrick’s Day T-Shirt need a better way and healing. That is awesome. I personally could not have gotten through some hard things without both prayer and therapy. Look around for someone trained to help (therapist/spiritual counselor/etc) and don’t be afraid to shop around until you are comfortable and trust that person.