There were several other major changes to my point of view, but the Tl;DR is that my current POV doesnt involve expecting other Hipster Clearwater Beach Florida Surfing Alligator Souvenir T shirt to care or do anything for me, and doesnt blame them for being that way. Instead Im under the assumption that anything I need or want I must find on my own, and I must be prepared to accept failure because im limited. I dont control anything or anyone, beyond possibly myself, my actions, choices and emotions. No one decides anything for me, and no one is responsible for me, my choices, actions, or emotions. From this POV (which started around the time I started my company) Ive changed quite alot. Its weird, but somehow, back when I used to miss people it was like I was supposed to miss them because it would be wrong if I didnt. But I realize now that I DONT miss people. Its not because I have a problem with anyone, I just dont feel as interested in the world around me as I do about the world inside me. I can spend months away from people and not feel anything. Back in the day Id feel bad because there was pressure from others causing me to think I had to feel bad, and as a result I was confused.
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But now Im not confused, I just dont miss people and thats ok. I also dont need hugs or kisses or words, and often when people say they love Hipster Clearwater Beach Florida Surfing Alligator Souvenir T shirt I dont trust them. I think this may be something I have to work on, but its super hard and confusing to know the truth with this one. Before covid I used to go for walks but I hardly go outside now, and I think this is another area I have to improve on for sure. I have really bad eating and sleeping habits, and the years leading up to covid were a mixture between a few good months sprinkled here and there but mostly a shitty miserable existence. Most of my adult life has been riddled with shitty people and shitty jobs and shitty experiences. Anything that depends on other people is often quite miserable for me. Even when there were good moments they didnt seem to last long and often were the precursor to some really fucked up shit that would happen. I definitely made mistakes, but even as flawed as I am I know Ive always had this difficult shitty life beyond my control. So when covid hit, I wasnt just in another one of those lows, it was the lowest low of all, and covid came in and took away all my motivation and energy. I was and have been extremely depressed and unmotivated for the past 3 years now, the 2 before covid were especially difficult, and covid was obviously bad for every one.
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