Everything begins with the red door. We knock. I straighten my collar. I pull up my Shes a good girl loves her Ukulele loves Jesus and America too shirt . Jenny gestures wildly at my zipper, that zipper, and I realize with horror, shit, the fly is open. I fight wildly to get it in place. Sweat builds on my brow. The hot White Valley sun beats down my back like we’re stuck in the Caribbean and the fabric is stuck. Of course the fabric stuck. The fabric always gets stuck. They make these goddamn pants just to get stuck on a schmuck like me. The zipper is caught on my boxers. I’m pulling. Jenny tries to help, but she’s making it worse, stop making it worse. The red door opens before we even have the chance to fix it.
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The holidays are a stressful time for everybody. We laugh it off and we step into the kitchen. I go in for the handshake. Shes a good girl loves her Ukulele loves Jesus and America too shirt says it’s better to shake hands when meeting people for the first time. You have to keep boundaries, Matty, people respect boundaries. Mr. Weber has a firm grip. He is the type of man to look you in the eyes when he does it. Mrs. Weber’s handshake is dainty and petite. She asks if I prefer coffee or tea. And I say – Tea, Regina, please, coffee makes me jittery.”